Aw man, but that’s the best part
You Might Also Like
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Happy Taco Tuesday
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.