Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
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[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
hi why am I like this
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
People buying plungers never look happy.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…