*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
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*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.