today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
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Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”