Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
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What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.