Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
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*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
we all know this pain all too well
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.