Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of BuckyIsotope's best tweets

@BuckyIsotope : UBER DRIVER: Where to ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body SIRI: The bog ME: nearest bog please

@BuckyIsotope: "Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?"
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose

@BuckyIsotope: ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what

@BuckyIsotope: *goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon

@BuckyIsotope: TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5

@BuckyIsotope: Everyone dies of *something*. For example, this man is about to die from buying the last box of Thin Mints in front of me in the cookie line

@BuckyIsotope: HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY'S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE'S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I'M A NERD. CALL 911

@BuckyIsotope: [commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP

@BuckyIsotope: Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer

@BuckyIsotope: Barbie's head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a "giant child" did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.