Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
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Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Breaking news:
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?