Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
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I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
pelicons
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles