Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
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My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple