I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
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“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Always…
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!