How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
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My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.