Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
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“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.