(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
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this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed