Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
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Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
BETRAYAL
Every. Damn. Time.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”