me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
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How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?