Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
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Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
This is a bad sign
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”