The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
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Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
BRO LMFAO
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.