checking out some reviews of my local library
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Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
only 11 steps left
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb