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CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
is this a threat
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”