Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
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i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.