It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
You Might Also Like
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*