Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
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Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Ugh
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk