If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
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NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
good morning
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Cndnsd Mlk
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?