1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
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I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse