I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
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Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Not today, today.
Not today.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
I will never stop laughing at this
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.