The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
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I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
SF is the wild wild west man
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD