GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
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I thought this was funny lol
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.