SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
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“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.