A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
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I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Not all heroes wear capes….
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire