who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
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[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.