Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
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Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
The second world war should have been called world war returns
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.