Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
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The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
“and how does that make you feel?”
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”