Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
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this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood