Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
You Might Also Like
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu