I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
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If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
I’ll be mad as hell!
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.