Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
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Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science