Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
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Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
What kind of a cult is this?
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?