Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
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If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying