if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
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If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Livid.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems