i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
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Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.