Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
You Might Also Like
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
A friend sent me this.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form