Ah yes. The three genders
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As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
i want to work in this restaurant
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”