I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
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Breaking news:
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.