I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
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i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Spring of Deception
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Actually cracking up @ this
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐