I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
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dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
I gave up going to work for lent.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous