Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
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[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
This will never not be funny 😭
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
I know
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”