They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
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I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die