Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
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This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
i hate you platonically
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?