I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
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Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.