Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
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High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.