Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
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People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
#oldknees
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.